Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.

“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor with they first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”

She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you *******!”

He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

One day a vampire goes to a bar and asks for a pint of blood but doesn’t get any and walks out…

A couple of minutes later he returns and asks for a cup of hot water… The bartender, confused, asks him why he needs hot water…?

Vampire: I found a used tampoon and wanted to make tea…

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming… she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.

Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling…

Husband: Okay… Lets have sex now…
Wife: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you…

After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot…he tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…

“SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE…”

Husband: Damn robot is not working properly…I am throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…

“SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN…”