I’ve been dating my girlfriend for two years. A few weeks ago she made me very happy by agreeing to marry me, there was one problem she has an extremely hot sister, I mean everytime she bends down I can see almost everything so one day she call me over to come work on invitations.

I walk in and sit down she whispers in my ear “I’ve always had feelings for you if you would like to have one last fling before you get married come upstairs.” She walks up the stairs and throws her panties on me.

I’m so shocked I look at the stairs, I look at the door, then again at the stairs. I then run to my car, my entire family in law is sitting outside they are all cheering for me, my father in law says “You’re welcome to the family” and they’re all so proud of me for not giving in.

*any way the moral of the story is always keep your condoms in your car!

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.

A drunk guy walks into a bar and walks up to a guy and says, “I just had sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to the guy again and says, “I just had great sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to him again and says, “I just had the best sex ever with your mom!” The guy now says, “Shut up dad! You’re drunk again!”

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.