Category Archives: Jokes

Future Career

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey and a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door”, the old preacher said to himself, “and> when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be OK If he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. Worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasin’ bum”.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house, whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold…

“Lord Have Mercy” the old preacher whispered, “He’s gonna join the ARMY!”

Wooden Leg Insurance

A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri, from Texas.
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas, it cost them $2000 per year!
When they arrived in Missouri, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said:  ‘$39.’
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it, because it cost him $2000 in Texas!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39…

You just have to know how to describe it!!!’

Interesting Facts

  1. A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
    (O.M.G.!!!)
  2. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
    (Creepy. I’m still not over the pig.)
  3. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
    (Honey, I’m home . What the…?)
  4. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
    (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
  5. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
  6. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    (I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.)
  7. Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Something I always wanted to know.)
  8. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
    (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
  9. A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
    (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
  10. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
    (I know some people like that.)
  11. Starfish have no brains.
    (I know some people like that, too.)
  12. Polar bears are left-handed.
    (Talk about a southpaw.)
  13. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Promotion Blues!!!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the Officer’s Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”

“But we’re privates,” protests Jasper.

“We’re sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside. “Now, Jasper, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.

“You blind?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’re sergeants now.”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what ‘gonorrhea’ means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

“Jasper,” he says, “why’d you give me the okay?”

“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes, “But we’re sergeants now!”

Grown Hair

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said: “that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “my monkey has grown hair”

Her sister smiled and said: “that’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas”

Mom fainted…