The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman.

The next day someone asked him how things had gone.

“She uses too many four-letter words for me,” was the reply. “Really?”

“Yes,” answered the playboy. “All evening long she was saying “don’t” and “stop” and “quit that.”

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

One day a teacher told her student’s to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.

When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this is the process of having sex.

He said, first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, a divide the legs and hope you don’t multiply.

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed.

Well, The passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love Me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!”

I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

1. Ladies are prohibited from touching gentleman’s balls, either with hands or clubs.
2. All holes must be kept clean.
3. Gentlemen making a hole-in-one, must change lady partners in the second round.
4. Ladies are requested to remain quiet while gentlemen are taking short strokes.
5. Partners are requested to tee off together at each tee.
6. When the lady partner goes off first, the gentleman must not delay the stroke but continue to play.
7. In cases where the lay is impossible, ladies have the privilege of choosing a new position.
8. When the gentleman finds this impossible, he may choose a new lay starting at least a ball’s length from the hole.
9. Players are requested to refrain from playing any holes under repair or with red flag in white background.
10. While the management strives to improve the course in every way, they cannot be held responsible for the loss or damage of balls in the brush or around the holes.